I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
