Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
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