omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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