The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
