failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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