We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
