I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
