She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
