Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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