I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
