I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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