So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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