went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
