Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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