I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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