i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
