i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
