Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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