dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
