He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
