I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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