My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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