i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
