my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
