Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
