I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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