omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
