Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
