I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
