Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
