you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
