Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize