i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
