Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
