he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
