He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
