i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
