You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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