In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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