I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
