dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
