Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
