We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
