I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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