i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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