my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
