i can't believe i had my finger in that
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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