I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
