how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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