$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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