Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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