My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
