just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
