I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
