1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
