I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
