I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
