I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
