i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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