i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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