Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
