we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
