Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
