Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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